The BIGGEST day of my life......

The BIGGEST day of my life.........


A few days ago, I had the BIGGEST day of my life.......no LITERALLY, the BIGGEST!!

Here's the scoop...(double scoop, in my case!)

In order for my insurance to cover my surgery, there are a MILLION hoops that I've had to jump through..(though jumping is not my strongest ability at the moment!).....the first being my BMI.....that one, I hit NOOOOO problem!

The next few have been tedious.

I am in month 5 of a 6 month Dr. supervised "weight loss program."
This basically just means that I drag all 67 of my children to the Dr's office, once a month to get my weight checked.  We walk in, looking like someone just unloaded a preschool bus, armed with sucker sucking toddlers!
Oh.....and fishy crackers.....
and graham crackers......
and anything else I can put in their mouths (no...duct tape is not an option, unfortunately...)  for the 30 minutes we're in there...to keep us from being too loud and getting kicked out.

Get this....... I am NOT allowed to lose weight during this time...because my BMI is BARELY above the limit for my insurance to cover my surgery, and since I'm on a "weight loss program," I'm not allowed to gain weight either!  It's a precarious balance!

So on top of the weight loss program that I can't lose weight on, I also have had to do a 3 month psychological evaluation.  This is the "good part!"  I KNOW that a lot of my issues are mental, and I KNOW that even with surgery that they're not just going to go "POOF" and disappear.....so I have been more than happy to go see a psychologist twice a month for the last 3 months!    She, like so many other psychologists I have seen.....says that my insecurities, poor self-esteem, and self-loathing, likely comes back to my being adopted.  I however, think that is garbage.  And THAT, is for a whole other blog!  But it HAS been good, talking to her about my eating habits, anorexic/bulimic past and self-esteem....and how my wight has always been the one thing that has either made me happy or depressed in my life.......I'm working on it.......and I'm soo glad that I'll get to continue seeing her, well after my surgery is finished!

I've also had to compete numerous other tests...here's the LONG list.....
*Sleep Apnea testing
*multiple lab draws
*Cardio/Pulmonology tests
*Nutrition counseling
*Dietitian counseling
*Physical Activity classes and assessment
*Echocardiogram
*Upper GI study
*Endoscopy

and anything else they feel I need to complete.....ugh.

BUT......as I finish my list of "To-Do's".....I get closer to the big day......and guess what??????

I will NEVER AGAIN be bigger than I am today! 

 Last Wednesday, I had my final weigh-in before surgery and was given the "green light" to lose as much weight as I want to before September!! 

Last Wednesday was the BIGGEST (literally) day of my life!!!!

As I drove home from my appointment, and contemplated this thought, I started crying......
If you know me, you know that I cry ALL the time...so that's not really a big deal....but these were incredibly HAPPY tears......these last few months are going to go quickly.....and this time next year, I'll have a whole new perspective on life.

I'll be in pictures with my children....
I'll be naked in the daylight.....
I'll enjoy clothes shopping.....

I WON'T HATE what I see in the mirror.

I will NEVER be BIGGER than I am today. 
 And that is an incredible feeling.

Arm Cleavage

If we're going for honesty here....I might as well get it all out there....but remember the rules:

1. Don't judge.
2. It's okay to laugh at my "fat jokes!"  They will be funny a year from now to me too!

If you're skinny, you have no idea what I'm talking about.  If you're skinny but think you're fat, you might THINK you know what I'm talking about...but really, you have no idea.....and you suck.  Here's a little tip: Fat people find it outrageously annoying when skinny people whine about being fat.  Just sayin'

For a long time, I've been compiling a list of all the reasons that I'm DONE being a hefty heifer....every time something would make me mad, or sad, or down right depressed, I'd write it down.  So here's my list....it's a long one.

1. I want to get naked.

  Like....in the daylight. 

Just to be able to step out of the shower without 15 towels wrapped around me, and not have to peek out the door to make sure my husband wasn't anywhere near......
Last time my husband ACTUALLY saw me naked was before I was pregnant with Tristan.  He'll be 6 in October.  Sad. Honest.  Ugh.
Chad will probably like this reason too! =)

2. I have kids. Looooooads of them.  Kids think it's hilarious to point out how my "muscles are bigger than daddy's"....but really I just have fat arms.  Or ask me if I'm pregnant.....or....oh gosh....kids are just mean. And innocent...but geez.

3.  Teeter Totters are not fun.

4.  Being afraid to be the first to say you're hungry when you're with friends.  Even if you're REALLY hungry!

5. I'd really like to cuddle up on my husband's lap, without making his face turn purple.  The man needs to breathe.

6. My daughter is beautiful.  She is perfection.  I NEVER want her to know how I actually feel about myself.  NEVER.  She will NOT know the reason for my surgery until she's 30.  Maybe 35.  This damn world has enough complexes for her to worry about.  Mine will NOT be one of them.

7.  Diabetes runs in my biological family.  This really should be reason #1 for me....but honestly.....it's more about correcting years of depression and complete lack of self esteem, than it is about health. For now.

8.  Leg chafing. Don't know what I'm talking about?  Then you're not fat.  This is where....when you walk around for too long, your underwear catch on fire. Enough said.

9.  My Dad told me, "I can't wait until you're little again, " while hugging me.  I know he was being loving....but still. I agree. 

10.  Everything hurts.  My feet hurt the most....especially in the mornings.  

11.  The sun is freaking HOT in the summer.....but I still find it necessary to cover EVERY inch of my body in clothing.  Gotta hide the arm cleavage. 

 Yes, I just said arm cleavage.

12.  In Jr. High and High School I was anorexic and bulimic.  My Jr. year in HS, I was soooo proud to weigh 82lbs.  I remember seeing the scale say that number, and still feeling fat.  
That's gross.
I have obviously had some type of eating disorder for years. It's time to be DONE.

This list will probably be on-going.....until September. (Yeah!)

Thank you all for your support.  I already feel better about my decision to air all my dirty fatness to the world.....it feels good to get it all on "paper," because once it's out there for everyone to see.....I can't go back.  This is ending SOON!!    

You Might Be A Foster Mom If...........

You might be a foster mom if...



You might be a foster mom if you have to call and get

 permission to get your kid's hair cut.


You might be a foster mom if you have more baby's mamas 

than anyone you have ever ran across.



You might be a foster mom if you asked your hubby right

before Christmas "Can I have two little girls for 

Christmas?"


You might be a foster mom if a week off means no visits.


You might be a foster mom if you have "gut feelings" about 

other people's kids.


You might be a foster mom if you see kids of all different 

colors and you think "wow, what a beautiful family."


You might be a foster mom if you are constantly worried if

 all the medicines and cleaners in your house are lock 

away properly.


You might be a foster mom if you regularly have to deal with 

people who make no sense.



You might be a foster mom if you let people walk all over 

you because you love their kids.


You might be a foster mom if you dream of being in a court 

room signing adoption papers instead of in a delivery

 room giving birth.


You might be a foster mom if you thought you would only 

take certain kinds of "situations" and now you say yes to

just about any phone call you get.


You might be a foster mom if you are able to love kids like 

they are your own within one minute of learning they

 even exist.


You might be a foster mom if you know all the correct terms 

like "ICP" "DHS" and "GAL"


You might be a foster mom if in your basement you have 

clothes that would fit any size child, boy or girl.


You might be a foster mom if you own more car seats than 

will fit in your car.


You might be a foster mom if you are used to stupid people 

making stupid decisions all the time and you 

manage to plan ahead for them.


You might be a foster mom if you look at every day as if it 

might be your last.


You might be a foster mom if you are willing to take on the 

pain of others so it will hurt these kids just a little less.


You might be a foster mom if the kids that were with you 

last Christmas weren't with you this Christmas.


You might be a foster mom if you have to refer to the 

bedrooms in your house by the color on their walls instead 

of by who does/did sleep in them.


You might be a foster mom if kids that you barely know call 

you mom....and you love it.


You might be a foster mom if your heart has been broken 

too many times, and you still say yes to the next call.


You might be a foster mom if you decide to take on a 

system that is more broken than anything you have ever 

seen in your life.


You might be a foster mom if you read all this, understand 

it, and still decide to do it.

Yes, you read that RIGHT!

The decision to write this blog has been a hard one, because being fat is personal. 
 It's embarrassing. 
 It's ugly. 
 And for me, it's emotionally excruciating. 
Devastating.........

It has kept me from living my life. 

Kept me out of priceless moments with my children. 
Out of pictures, out of social events, out of touch with friends.

Out.  

But after 31 years of living this way, it's almost over. Thank God!

In a few short months, I will be undergoing the most amazing transformation.  It will start with Gastric Bypass Surgery, and a "before" picture......and it will end with a completely redesigned life. 
The "after" picture that has literally consumed my thoughts and dreams for 22 years is finally within reach. 
I have never been so excited for something in my life. Never.
(yes, I mean that.....unfortunately.)

My hope in putting this all out there, is that it's cathartic for me.  Obviously, I have A LOT of mental issues to deal with on the inside, and writing has always been a way for me to express them.  
Please don't judge. 
Don't tell me I should try "this new diet" instead.
Don't tell me about your friend's sister's uncle's cousin who lost weight by eating only kale and organic eggs.....or whatever!

Please DO be supportive, please DO follow my journey, and please DO understand that I've tried EVERYTHING....and I'm done now.

Done missing out.  Done hating myself.  Done letting my weight control me. 

DONE HATING MYSELF.

I'm also DONE with this freakin' depressing first blog!  So here I go....off to write a much more amusing post.....because in my years of being your FAT FRIEND, I've learned to be pretty darn funny!  It's okay to laugh when I make fun of myself....I don't mind.....